Thursday, January 05, 2006


My Hidden Pain

I'm saddened to learn that perhaps there are wounds too deep to recover from. I'm not callous enough to attack, so I'll just dodge the blows the best I can as I bleed to death. The nicks and cuts normally inflicted on a parent usually just heal and leave scar tissue, but some can be mortal. Did you think I wouldn't bleed? I wish you were right. Was it important to you to prove you were stronger? To prove that might makes right? To prove you could break me? I guess it feels that way at your age, but you're wrong, you know. You can cause me pain, you do. But not in the way you think. It's taken me a lot of years and experience to learn that pride is an unruly master. To serve God, to love Him, and to love others as yourself, that is what is important. But doing that will not protect you from pain. It takes much more strength to not vent, to not attack, to not cut, then it does to do those things. And it will hurt when others do that to you. My faith does not lessen my pain, sadly. I am already broken before God, but do not mistake that for the reasons for my pain, that is my strength. I am strongest when I am weakest. The pain I feel the most is not for myself. With God's help, I can survive pain, even to the death. My pain is my love for you, the sorrow over the paths you have taken. My pain is my fear that you have become too wise, too strong, too tough, to acknowledge to yourself that you're afraid, lost, and need love and forgiveness like all of us. My pain is that you respond to messages of love and hurt with anger. My pain is that I cannot reach you. My pain is that I want you to be happy and I fear you cannot be. My pain is that I am now afraid of the fire, the razor edge that you have become. I do not hurt for myself, I hurt for you, but it still hurts nonetheless.

For My Children,
For My Life,
For My Lord,
For my Love, Lost before he was found(WO)

I walked out of my son's life today-my being there reminds him of the pain I failed to protect him from. I know his anger comes from his hatred of himself not me and that is the greatest pain of all. There is no failure like failing your child and no pain like living with that each day. I will no longer call myself a mother. No longer any meaning to my being.
There is no pain like that, but... Don't lose hope - perhaps one day he will understand that you are just human. One day, perhaps, he will feel the pain of hurting you. Perhaps one day, you can both find forgiveness. Talk to God about it. As long as you both breathe, there is hope. Don't give up.
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